


Hogwarts Staff Meeting

by alayat, WildexXx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hogwarts, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5722399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alayat/pseuds/alayat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildexXx/pseuds/WildexXx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In preparation for the 1991-1992 school year at Hogwarts, Professor Dumbledore holds a staff meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hogwarts Staff Meeting

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome, staff, as we prepare for another year at Hogwarts! It’s great to see you all back! Now, as you probably know, Professor Boot will not be returning to us after the…incident last year. We had three applicants for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post- the highly qualified Severus Snape and the dreadfully underqualified Quirinus Quirrell and Gilderoy Lockhart! We’re not quite desperate enough to hire Gilderoy just yet, so I’d like to welcome Professor Quirrell!

QUIRRELL: Um, th-th-thank you?

DUMBLEDORE: Now, to accommodate for the lack of a quality Defense teacher, I’d like to remind you that our mission is to make school as dangerous as possible. If, for instance, a troll would be in the dungeons, we would send all the students back to their common rooms and be thankful for the learning experience that the Slytherins now have!

SNAPE: Um, Albus?

DUMBLEDORE: And if, for instance, we find a student or two petrified while the rest of the school is out at a Quidditch match, we must immediately send them all back in toward the danger.

FLITWICK: I don’t know if-

DUMBLEDORE: I’ve come up with the best educational experience for this year! Hagrid, what’s the most misunderstood creature at Hogwarts?

HAGRID: Probably the thestrals, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: Hmm, too nice. Second most misunderstood?

HAGRID: I’d say Aragog.

DUMBLEDORE: Um, maybe not Aragog? He’s a bit too likely to eat children- um, I mean, he probably wants to spend his remaining years with his children.

HAGRID: Fluffy?

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, yes, Fluffy! Fluffy shall be placed in the third floor corridor to guard the sorcerer’s stone! Now, I want the rest of you to think of suitable obstacles- not too difficult, but challenging enough for the students to learn something- to guard the stone. Now, I’m talking about something that could really mess a person up. At least scar them for the rest of their life, be it physical or emotional.

MCGONAGALL: Shouldn’t we protect it with something a little…safer?

DUMBLEDORE: Hmm. Interesting thought, but I think we’re good. Now, on to other matters. Does anyone have any concerns before the school year starts?

TRELAWNEY: I see a dark and dangerous year ahead of us.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, yes, that’s the point. And, really, have you ever seen anything else? Why can’t you see something like a unicorn prancing in the forest? Something cheerful…

TRELAWNEY: I have seen a unicorn in the forest with someTHING DARK AND EVIL SUCKING THE LIFE FROM THE POOR CREATURE.

DUMBLEDORE: Not exactly what I had in mind, but definitely a step in the right direction.

MCGONAGALL: Albus, I think we should definitely consider removing divination from the curriculum. I’ve had enough of third years coming in terrified because one of them has “the grim”.

TRELAWNEY: Minerva, it is important to teach students to use the inner eye. I foresee great dangers ahead if you do not take the warnings of the great beyond more seriously.

MCGONAGALL: And I foresee you getting slapped if you keep saying that the great beyond has doomed us.

TRELAWNEY: Why, I oughtta-

SPROUT: Professor, I think we need to instate a mandatory writing class. The herbology essays are awful! Professor Sinistra and I have a running count of what happens more often- “plant” being misspelled as “planet” or “planet” being misspelled as “plant”.

SINISTRA: Last year, I got “plant” 207 times while Pomona here got “planet” 194 times. Professor, I don’t want my students mixing up types of vegetables with the moons of Jupiter!

DUMBLEDORE: That is an excellent idea! Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, we will not be able to do it. Thank you, Prime Minister. Let me tell you, I think the only Dark Lord alive now is that David Cammeron.

SNAPE: I think we should include a mandatory math class for first years. I told my third years to double the recipe for pepper-up potion. As you know, it is much more efficient than the recipe provided by the book. Albus, the third years asked me how to double the recipe. They didn’t even have to work with fractions!

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, yes, Severus, that is very unfortunate. Also unfortunate is this new “common core math” my colleagues at Salem Institute for Witches have told me horror stories about. I fear that including a math class would just further confuse students.

BURBAGE: If we’re talking about classes that need to be made mandatory, I’m going to throw in Muggle Studies.

DUMBLEDORE: I do not believe that the Hogwarts Board of Governors will go for that.

BURBAGE: Well, then you need to stand up to them! This summer, Madam Hooch dragged me along to the Quidditch World Cup-

FLITWICK: How’d you enjoy Italy?

BURBAGE: It was lovely. Anyway, while we were there, we saw that Gryffindor boy- what’s his name?

HOOCH: Oliver Wood.

BURBAGE: Yes, Oliver Wood, who has never taken my class because it’s NOT MANDATORY. Do you know what he was wearing? A flower bathrobe, striped socks, and flip-flops!

DUMBLEDORE: Respectable muggle wear!

BURBAGE: No! Just…no!

HOOCH: What Professor Burbage means to say is that Mr. Wood’s apparel is…atypical of muggles. Anyway, while I’ve got your attention, I think we should get new school brooms. Last year, three nervous first years lost control and got injured! You know, the Cleansweep Five is a solid model, and with the Cleansweeep Six being put on the market, we could probably get them at a decent price.

DUMBLEDORE: It doesn’t really keep with the idea of making the school more dangerous, now, does it? Any other suggestions?

FILCH: I say we go back to hanging trouble makers in the dungeons by their toes.

SNAPE: Keep your trouble makers out of my dungeons. And, anyway, if they’re making trouble, why not hang them from the top of the astronomy tower? Quite a long fall, that.

FILCH: Also, I have 12 new items that I want banned, and I have a details on five different religious rites to banish Peeves.

DUMBLEDORE: I like Peeves. He gives the castle character. We’re keeping him.

FILCH: But-

DUMBLEDORE: You can ban all the items you want, though.

FILCH: *yes motion*

MCGONAGALL: Speaking of exorcisms, though, we should probably talk about Professor Binns.

SPROUT: I agree. I like Cuthbert as much as a person can like anyone with no awareness of their surroundings who only talks about goblin rebellions, but he doesn’t know anything about any major events from the past 40 years.

FLITWICK: There are only three NEWT students taking History of Magic, Albus, and they’re all Ravenclaws! And only two of them actually show up! I’ve checked.

MCGONAGALL: Albus, he isn’t here because he didn’t even realize we had a meeting! On my way here, I saw him lecturing an empty room about the goblin rebellion of 1492!

DUMBLEDORE: Professor Binns has tenure, so there’s nothing I can really do. So does anyone else have any concerns?

QUIRRELL: A-a-actually, I-

DUMBLEDORE: Great! So, get back to me on how you’re protecting the stone and how to make the school more dangerous. I’m sure we’ll have a wonderful and terrifying year! Meeting dismissed!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This was originally written for a variety show, but due to time constraints, it had to be cut. A billion thanks to WildexXx for taking the original version of this and adding in her own wonderful brand of humor!


End file.
